I was walking to work when the strangest thought entered into my head. I was listening to music on my ipod which I usually do when I have that 3 mile walk to work. And it wasn't any particular song, the thoughts just struck me. Maybe it was the song, Slip Out from Beck Mongolian Chop Squad which is really Beat Crusader I think. Or maybe it was their other song, Full Moon Sways or something like that whatever. I started thinking that when I go, I'll probably have no mourners at my funerals. The only true mourner would be my mother. And she'll probably go long before I do....most likely, barring me having some kind of accident. And that got me thinking that I'd not want anyone to mourn me out of a sense of duty, or with false sincerity. Anyone who wants to come to my funeral with those thoughts can get the hell out. I don't want you there. I'd rather have no one then people coming to mourn me out of a sense of duty or obligation. That goes double for my brothers, who do not know the real me. If you do not sincerely feel the loss of me from your life then screw you and I don't want you there. If you are too good for my gifts that you leave them behind right where I can find them, then I want nothing from you or to do with you as you want nothing to do with me. Fuck you. Funerals are not for the dead. They are to help the living deal with their grief. The dead don't have the normal concerns anymore. When my brother, R, died I felt nothing. Perhaps he died to me long ago as most of my brothers have. By that I mean symbolically. To tell the truth I don't even like my brothers. The only thing that ties us together is the fact that we come from the same parents. If they were not my brothers they'd most likely have nothing to do with me. I am not a people person, in fact I dislike people immensely, a person is different. A person I may come to like, but people as a whole make me sick, with their false charity, insincere sincerity, and stuff that feeds their own egos, and their self righteousness. It all just pisses me off. But I digress from my point.
Now in particular before thinking of my brother, my first thought of at death was my dad, who died some long time ago. I miss him, but I don't feel sad that he's gone. I didn't feel sad when he died either. It was just painful to watch him slowly wasting away. For a long time it felt like I was watching over someone that wore my dad's skin that couldn't be him. Am I just cold-hearted that I feel nothing when people die? I helped support and try to make my mom feel better; but there is only so much one person can do. My grandmother and great aunt died I felt nothing then either. No sadness, not even the sense I have with my dad of missing them.
The odd thing is that if I come to know a character in a movie or series I do cry when they die. It's so hard to resist that swelling music and climatic moment. I guess real life doesn't have that.
In the end, I guess I'll probably get what I want, a solitary funeral. It'll be just me. That's enough of the morbid talk. Hopefully next time I post I'll have something more brighter or funnier to post about.
No comments:
Post a Comment